Logbook

10/30/2025

Okay, well. Here we go, a internet journal online. One that will document whatever the fuck happens to me in life. I think having an online documentation of my spiral into madness could be fun. I am an average guy, with nothing interesting about myself. I've had an okay life but I've always tried to go above and beyond but always find myself falling flat. God. I used to have it all.. a sweet loving wife, a decent job, sure... no car but eh whatever. She has left me to rot with my feelings like I did to her all those years ago. Karma I guess? Probably. I've been trying to talk to women but they either do not like me or have other problems which prevent them from wanting to attempt being with me. I met a girl recently who I really like, but unfortunately she feels a LDR isn't viable and while I understand what she means, she doesn't understand I'd do anything for her. I'd move there, leave all my worldly possessions here and just live life with her as I feel very compatible and comfortable around her. I find her very attractive and wish I could just be alone with her forever but I am far too greedy these days, I'm truly looking to fill a hole left by another woman and while my intentions are good with her, I feel as if its not fair to her anyways. I'll just be alone, forever like always, like I always have been. I know I complain a lot, and I've tried to better myself but life is always testing me, one day after another. I really want to kill myself but I'm so scared... what if life does get better? what if I waste the one chance I have. Alternatively when it gets rough I hate humanity and living. I've had thoughts of harming myself and others, mostly myself though. I'm not a killer, at least not like that. It's funny... I'm writing this at almost 2:30 AM and it feels like its gonna be a longer day today. Oh well, I'm just gonna cut tonight and hope I feel better. Cutting feels good when I'm high and alone. I'm going to end these entries with a song sharing my feelings currently.

Well, this is a two part entry I suppose, simply just later in the same day. I'll elaborate a bit more from earlier. I don't wanna kill anyone but having myself killed in front of people is something I've thought about before, like walking into somewhere, shooting in the air a few times then popping one in myself, but I don't think I have any real ability to do that. Long story short, the only person dying by my hand is me :-).

Today I went to the gym, it felt good but old memories seem to pour in when I have my mind to myself, even at a gym. Thoughts about her, and whats to come with whatever the hell my relationship with ***** is. I work tommorow, not looking forward to that shit. My job is fine and the pay is okay but holy fuck can it be boring, so many stupid FUCKS too. I don't think I'm better than them but I am glad I can learn to either address when a question I'm asking MIGHT be stupid or keeping it to myself. Whatever, grin and bear it. Plus, working on this website and maybe truly using my days off to stream or something may come in handy, I think if I really put some effort into it, I could do content creation but if I even get the chance to I'll really have to commit. Anyuways, the day is wrapping up and I'm taking it easy after my workout. God, please give me the strength to keep going, otherwise I don't know what will get me through these days with no partner to share this cruel world with.

Where the FUCK did you go Rena...!!!

Satoko!! this seems to be the way!

Satoko! This seems to be the way!! hau...

11/3/2025

Well, another work week over another weekend to feel like shit. I don't feel shitty in the literal sense, just kinda dull. Life is so dull. Even the weed isn't doing it much for me anymore, it just seems to amplify my emotions causing me to feel strongly one way or another. I don't fully understand it, but I might slow down soon. It for sure does help with my aches though, at least at work. I'm trying to detach myself from feeling connected to people. I want the world to feel disconnected around me so I can maybe actually try to fucking DIE!

It hasn't been working so far, but I'm gonna keep trying. I still think of Jess from time to time, but I've been able to repress her bleeding into my thoughts more often than not, which I'm proud of.

I still miss her, and regret a lot, but the only way forward is forgetting her as she is no longer worried or interested in me and thats okay. I'm not looking for another relationship really right now, but I'll admit if it came to me I wouldn't deny it. However, for now I want to focus on work and on my days off trying my hand at content creation. Could be a fun outlet? Better than hurting myself I guess, or crying about how awful life can be. 

Soon I want to start streaming too, I've had these thoughts for a while. You may wonder, "if you're suicidal how can you have dreams or aspirations?" Well, truthfully I don't fully understand it but I guess thats the lonely rolling star in me :-]. 

I like calling myself that to help cope with my loneliness, I am a lonely rolling star! :D

---->

me when i meet my partner (hopefully)

11/4/2025

Today is my lazy day, I am not doing much, gym yesterday KILLED me... i am sore and hurting but its okay, pain is weakness leaving the body bahaha.... No but today will be a R&R type day. Maybe play some games, but I still will try to take a walk around my area. I like walking by the school near me, give me a couple laps around there and I feel good.

I used to think I was normal and to an extent I am not that weird but my philosophy on life FEELS like I am not normal due to very little people sharing this philosophy, but with that said I don't think its a "crazy" one, maybe just a bit bleak? I dunno, I really do try to stay positive but I really can't anymore. My perception of the world was twisted once I saw how cold and cruel it truly is from my time at WinCo. The total lack of understanding or regard of property, even if owned by a corporation, was just beyond what you would find reasonable and don't get me wrong I think food should be accessible to everyone but you are OWED food from stores considered to be a "premium brand" and simply just not taking cheaper things is a common trait among shoplifters at WinCo and the excuses given were beyond fucking pathetic. Now, before I sound like a total dickhead worried about hungry homeless people it goes beyond this, I constantly advised the shoplifters I had stopped that I don't want to see them go to jail, but stealing from here is a bad idea and I'd even tell them of stores I would NEVER recommend stealing from because their security was hands off, and that is bad wink wink. These people were always ungrateful whenever I cut them a break. It truly showed me people in desperate situations will attempt to fuck you over any chance they see. My eyes were opened after maybe a few months of that job. The people who are in bad spots in life have no rules, but me? I have to obey and keep myself alive? What the fuck kind of double standard world do we live in. Our word incentives people to be addicted to drugs and to live off of disability, trust me, if you play your cards right... thats perfectly fucking viable to. I've seen plenty of fuckwad tweakeers do it.

Anyways, this rant is more or less over. I wrote this whole entry through the day, so i really meant it when I said today is a lazy day. Maybe a bit more to clear and I'll get off.

I've been in deep thought a lot about where my life will go. I truly don't know, and I think my life is going to be rough if I don't end up homeless. I don't care to drive. I find it fucking stupid I have to take some mindless fucking test just to get around. I'm sure if I locked in I could probably ace it, but I truly don't care. It feels like a genuine waste of time, money, and energy which I've already invested much of that with no effort either but as the days go on I've really just stopped giving a shit. What am I gonna do with a car, go to work or maybe buy fucking food. Wow, I think I'd rather just fucking walk or Uber everywhere at this point honestly. Work is very hard to balance without a car though, if I had money truly I wouldn't have a problem but I need to start saving, so I can have a chance to live on my own. I gotta clear this fucking credit card debt too or I won't get ANYWHERE. I'm in ultra saving mode right now. I have actually been limiting my purchases to SMALL games, Uber for work or food. Let us hope I can do it hehe ;} 

Ok, thats all for now. Let us see if I can make it through another night.  

11/11/2025

I will either purchase a shotgun or a 5.56 style semi auto rifle, but unsure. Just want something more than the Glock. I feel protected but not by much, these fucking homeless people are unpredictable. Alternatively, I should get my CPL... but I'm in no real rush. I think I will set my death date if things don't get better soon as I am truly suffering these days. Nothing can take my mind off of the companionship me and Jess had, even if it is no more I do believe it was once there. Oh well, if I die, I die. Who fuckin' cares. I haven't been eating well due to worrying about money. I owe a fair amount on my apple card. Really wanna pay that off before/if I die, hopefully I do.

My dinners have been mostly fast food. I've been going to the gym but its been making me hungrier, ontop of the weed making me lazy, which is okay, I think because I've been limiting my portions. Getting smaller options instead of big macs and such. I don't know where wanting to better my health, if even by a bit, came from. It felt sudden, just like wanting to arm myself.

Sarah is still in my life but I am unsure if it is healthy for me to keep talking to her due to my repressed feelings. I guess its not THAT she knows, just the fact that she knows and still keeps me close is what is the dangerous part I suppose...? I don't know women are a hard point for me. I think its better I be alone, but the humanity in me wants the love and companionship I had with Jess, even if its not the same, I just want it back in some capacity.

Maybe I'm just a fucking dreamer, a dandelion prophet.

Back to guns... AR bans in Washington as soon as I turned 21, isn't that fucking funny. Should've seen if my mom would've got one. I didn't even know they got banned. I'm not a very political person but holy FUCK is it stupid how blindly people trust the government to take away guns. It truly makes less sense for democrats to wish for it, considering they find Trump evil. Not to say that he's good,  I will put it on record I do NOT support Trump. I suppose my point is with people calling ICE Trump's "Gestapo" you'd think they'd want to arm themselves, but we're not ready for that conversation. Washington is such a shit state, truly. Nice area, but the people in suck dick, all of them support the most NON ISSUE things... call me indoctrinated or whatever the fuck but nothing can convince me total leftist ideology is good. Right wing is just as shit though. There truly is no "correct" answer to politics in my opinion. I embrace oblivion. Let hell rain down. FUCK THIS WORLD!!!!!!

Ok, lets end this off with some final thoughts... I have accepted Jess has moved on and left me but the wound will take years to heal most likely. Work is okay for now, okay pay, and once I get a bit more work in I could be making better. I still really like Sarah but don't know if I should keep talking to her...

Okay, I think that is all for now, I'm gonna find something to eat I think. Salad or pizza.... I'll figure it out. Yeah...

11/24/2025

Well, today I cleaned my room a bit, more or less reorganized it is all but still very proud of myself.

I've been very tired due to work lately, but I got a second wind last night. Oh, I also found a rifle I can buy from a big name retailer too, unfortunately its a gutted version but its not bad by any means, but the 10 rnd capacity is fixed due to this. Apparently it isn't hard to change but I'm going off of AI and such, which yeah I know can be unreliable but I am too lazy to do my own fucking research. I won't share the model but it is a cool 9MM Rifle, If I can't get 5.56 in WA I suppose I'll have to settle for that. Oregon could be a thing though, no ban on weapons I actually want there really. 

I actually don't have much to say right now, my mind has been empty, but at the same time I have been thinking wildly. I dunno why or where all of this lack of energy is coming from.

I've given up on Sarah, I don't think its worth it anymore, I don't think she is willing to risk anything for me which is fair enough, not like I'm owed anything but it is disheartening for me to come to accept. God jess, why did you have to fucking leave me in this cold cruel world alone. I know I'm somewhat to blame but jeez.

Whatever, I like my new setup because of how clean it is now, heh. Well, thats all I really have 2 add for now. Goodbye for now, and remember you are loved :D

11/25/2025

Getting high is losing its charm. It's not like its unfun but it definitely is not hitting as much as it did at the start. Guess thats to be expected though, thats how drugs get you. Nothing will ever beat that first hit. At least I'm not addicted to hard drugs, I'd rather be dead than be a tweaker. Both of my sisters got hooked on that shit, not me. At least I just resent my dad and he isn't the reason I failed in life. Pretty sure he tried to flirt with J*** though, which I will never forgive him for. I should check on him and make sure he isn't still fucking that up, hopefully she blocked him too.

Just checked, nothing readily apparent going, so thats good just his depressing ass posts. At least I don't completely embarrass myself online and look like a COMPLETE LOSER to my family LOL...

I'm trying to play FFXIV again with my friend, its going well so far I think :D At least I feel like we're having fun. If we weren't I don't think we'd be playing. I'm gonna try getting on at least a couple times a week to make the most of my sub, Hopefully I'll be able to do hardmode content :D That would be cool and I'd feel probably a bit happier. 

Been neglecting the gym a bit, hopefully can do it tmrw.... I felt its been helping me feel less shitty. I'll see if I can't tomorrow... bleh....

Okay, well, gonna focus on XIV now... BYE!!!