Logs (Part II)

12/1/25

Well, I had a whole fucking log typed out earlier and I forgot to save it, sad about that but what the fuck ever, I'll just do my best to summarize it.

Basically, I talked about how I miss J*** alot, I never realized how much she made my life better when I really needed her. I should clarify, I knew how good she made it, but I never realized how bad the world is without someone who you can focus on and distract you from how cruel the world was. She did that for me, her love and affection made me forget how fucked up this world is. Maybe she resents me but even so I don't regret meeting her. She made me happy. I regret not seeing her again, not recently at least. I'll be waiting for her, as long as I need. I will be forever wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness. EVERY day.... i stare up at the cracks of the ceiling and screaming how unfair it is, but I know it isn't unfair to you.

I wish maybe I had a terminal illness, so you would come back to me until then, but even then I don't know if you would.

I always worried you'd never want to be with me anymore. It looked hard for you to stomach me towards the end, maybe I just disgusted you enough,

I'm really sorry for everything. I regret striking out at you, as often as I did. I took my problems that had either no relation to you, or you didn't deserve how I treated you about them. 

Even though our relationship soured my love, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Our time, though short was wonderful, I still feel the good outweighs the bad.

Jess, I can't tell you to remember me, but I can't bare for you to forget me.

These last years of our relationship, I'm so sorry for what I did to you, to us and our unborn children.

In the past I most likely be begging for another chance but you've given me so many already, and I haven't been able to return a single thing,  so, I won't. Live for yourself Jess.

Jess, you made me happy.

Nothing remarkable has happened otherwise in my life. I've just been going to work, and relaxing on my days off. I've been only going once a week to the gym. I feel like it's been worth the money so far though. I don't know if I feel "in shape" however, I do feel like my body fat on my stomach is reducing. I don't know where this obsession with my weight came from. Maybe its due to her. I'll probably keep her name censored, and edit this later. Who cares.

My suicidal ideations have increased as well, I've been feeling like dying more often than not. Even worse, I've had very short and brief thoughts of homicide. I have considered therapy recently but I'm unsure if it will be helpful in any capacity. I just probably will lie to them anyways, so whats the point. If you're too honest, you'll be hospitalized. Dishonest, therapy is useless. Funny isn't it?

I still wish to acquire some AR-15 Style gun. I will get the 9MM rifle to hold me over. Just need to get out of Washington, but then I'd be in a place that I won't even know if I even need it. I guess if I go to Portland it'd make sense. Oregon otherwise feels relatively safe. Fuck Portland though, haha. Like I said, not homicidal but very paranoid of being attacked. I will only harm another human if my life is threatened. Plus, Oregon hasn't restricted magazine capacity, that would be cool.  

Okay, well I'm done for now. See ya later. Also really annoyed finding out strawpage has fucking PAGE LIMITS...

Back to Part I

12/8/25

I deleted that last entry. Didn't fit my quality standards at all, but that is okay. 

Life has been tolerable. Not good, not bad. I've been more accepting of things lately too and I don't exactly know why. I don't know if all the content I've been listening to is influencing my mood or if  I've come to accept that my fate will not lead me somewhere bright. I don't know where, since I've had that dream somethings been different with me and I don't know how to describe it. I feel so empty now but thats about it. I don't even feel sad much anymore, but when I'm not happy I just feel nothing. Thoughts that should bother me don't. I get urges to do things I shouldn't. I'm always aware of it, and most of the time I can resist these urges but I shouldn't be feeling like this right? My mom thinks my dream might be biblical, or at least connected biblically but eh, I dunno. 

I still don't understand that dream. Those words, what he said to me, they were strange. Ever since I've just had a bad feeling about everything that sounds remotely wrong. Today there was someone at the door, I was home alone and I froze. Once I regained the ability to move, I checked my home security and saw a man. Seeing this made me freeze, I nearly grabbed my gun in fear. Thankfully he went away. He could've been a sales person but my gut told me something was off. I still didn't actually take my gun out, but I was very close to doing so.

Anyways. I guess my point is that whatever this was is fucking with me. I don't know if I'm losing it or that dream actually had some significance to me. Either way, if I am losing my mind I will make sure to do my best not to harm others in the process. I don't wanna be remembered that way. While I find that stuff interesting, I can't really see myself doing it, at ALL. I wish I could elaborate but I can't say much more for my own safety, I don't know whos watching anymore. I can't really trust many people at least not with my true thoughts. I guess I trust my mom sort of, but she can for sure misread a lot of things.

In terms of friends, I guess I trust G**** and S**** (mostly but they seem to avoid me alot.) Hmm... I guess Andrew as well, don't need to blur their name but we seem likeminded. 

Actually, hah, I had a funny conversation where I realized something. Guess I'm biromantic. I dunno. I've never really been sexually attracted to men much at all, but theres qualities in guys I've met that I wish women had sometimes. So yeah, I guess I can say I've considered dating men but not much more than that. I really do find men to be at least on a physical level really gross. While I think aesthetically men look cooler, and I don't really think fem men are much better either, so I can't say "Oh well, if men just took care of themselves like women, I'd fuck em." Nah. Men are men, plus cocks are fucking nasty.

Women are great, I loved a woman. Still do, but I digress.

Well, lets start to wrap this up. I've been eating more which is good, but I think it is most because I've been high a bit more than usual. Been helpful at work sort of too, aside from the stomach problems I (think) it causes me. I'm in the bathroom pretty often when I take it before work. Oh well, at least I'm not an anorexic or fat fuck. Still got a bit of a belly but I really think the gym has been keeping it at bay at best. Haven't really been logging my workouts on that page, should start that. Oh, and update on getting a stronger arsenal heh. Guess its for sure decided when my Grandma passes we'll have to move. Which is fine, I can afford to pay for stuff as long as I have a job. Been pretty good at getting those and keeping them. Really miss WinCo, but I might try to find something to do on my days off. Hobby or work, I don't care. If its work that would be better, but a sidegig would help cover my spending better. 

I've got some mischief planned soon too, can't say too much obviously for... reasons, but next entry I'll vaugely tell you, heh.

welp, thats all for now, peace.

12/15/25

I am unsure in what I should do with myself anymore. I feel my life slipping from my fingers but every possible avenue either sounds unobtainable or just not exciting. Whats the point of living if you don't care?

Theres not many people I care about anymore, and if I do care for them they most like want nothing to do with me anymore.

My mind keeps wandering to darker and darker places, I am doing my best to avoid doing anything super regrettable. I still don't have the courage to kill myself. I'm still working on that, but darker options often seep in. I will do my best to avoid them but I am still preparing myself for if all else fails. I bought more protection. I'm debating on getting a concealable vest to wear when I am out. I am getting worse paranoia of people attacking me these days, I know it's unreasonable but I cannot help but fear for my life.

I will expand and revise my plans. I cannot plainly say what it is due to the nature, but it will be fun. Don't worry, this plan is harmless fun too. Still something I can't discuss here.

A few more shootings happened recently. When I get those darker thoughts I just tell myself "You don't wanna end up bunched with these lunatics.". It typically works but it more scares me that the thoughts still happen. I will beat these thoughts, while arming myself for what I fear may come for me. I have made a lot of enemies recently. I will do my best to enjoy my weekend.

Short one today, I'm gonna try to stream. Also gotta get my CPL.

12/21/2025

I set a deadline for myself to die that hits pretty soon. I want to keep it that plan but its hard to see myself actually.... doing it. Not that I don't want to, if that makes sense. I just think I'm too fucking scared thats all, but aren't most people? It kinda scares me actually. I've been listening even closer to some of Adam Lanza's writings and it scares me how similar we are. I don't endorse him, or idolize him but I unfortunately understand his state of mind. The way he speaks, reminds me of myself. At least I'm not as fucking bug eyed as that fucker. I hope I don't turn out like he did, I'd rather kill myself than hurt others, honestly. At least, I feel thats what my clearheaded self thinks.

It is probably corny as fuck, but I really feel like I have multiple personalities. Maybe a demon or something, I don't know but I get thoughts that I don't know if they're mine or not. Like, I know I'm thinking them but I know it isn't something I'd think, if that makes any sense at all. I just sound crazy saying it, but either its happening or I am unable to discern reality from what my brain imagines anymore.

Anyways, back to Lanza. His mindset at the time, is truly how I feel right now, and why I wonder if I'm getting thoughts of violence that I know aren't my own. Maybe he was the same? I know, obsessed with shootings but he said he envied people who commit suicide, so why hurt others? It defies logic and felt like a emotional thing, from an outside perspective. I'm not defending him, don't get me wrong but truly it felt like something snapped. Why would he suddenly decide that was the day, and kill his mom despite the care she gave him? It defies all logic of human nature in my opinion, but outliers always exist I suppose? So am I one? Unfortunately I feel like me and Lanza could've been good friends, maybe in a parallel universe I stopped him from doing it. We were alike in certian ways I feel, at least right now I feel that way, obviously our upbringings were different, but y'know. Anyways, those are just my thoughts on my own mental health.

I know, doesn't sound good comparing myself to Lanza lmfao, but I truly don't give a fuck about how it makes me look. I study these shooters to see if I can find out whats wrong with me. I think if I wasn't self aware I would take a similar fate, but I won't be remembered as a monster, plus like I've said I don't think I could pull a trigger without being in danger.

Bleh, well... thats my rant. I'm doing my best to keep my mental health at least above the point of well, y'know.

12/22/25

The end of the year approaches and I'm not sure I bettered myself or not. Since J*** left me I have spiraled deeper and deeper into what I can only describe as a disconnect from reality. Nothing felt real, I felt like my humanity left me. I don't know why. Well, I do but I don't fully understand it. I know it is cause I loved her, I know its really silly but she actually liked me for me, or at least I felt. Maybe towards the end sure she got sick of me, I get it, everyone does. I blame A**** for this. She fucking warped my perception of women. J*** had things I felt she was a bit harsh on, but she was never too judgemental about most of my choices, give one or two.

Since then, any woman I've even remotely had a romantic relationship has scared me, and I do not know how to move on. I can't trust anyone, and explaining to any woman the trauma I've had is embarrassing and sounds made up even to myself. I guess I'm going to die alone. Thats okay, kinda felt I always would anyways. Not that I didn't trust J*** but I always figured I'd fuck up this relationship too. I don't know, I think I'm cursed. I think she thought she could fix me, funny isn't it? 

I shouldn't talk about her too much. I need to disconnect from this husk. I can't fight too much longer, truly. My fuel is running out and sooner or later I will be on fumes.

I've had terrible allergies the past few days, life has not been good. It will be hard to want to go to the Gym in this condition. I will do my best to try to, as to keep in shape for my depature. Can't die looking fat, at the very least.

I know suicide is illogical, the human spirit is built to survive, self preservation is a key part of ourselves, but I seem to lack it currently. I've considered instigating fights to cause my own death, but the scenarios have not came up organically in a legally defensible way. All methods to quickly and swiftly get myself killed have all very high chances of failure or unforeseen consequences. I have a way out but the thought is so hard to put into action. Nobody truly knows this either. I'm sure people assume but nobody knows truly my thoughts. I am artificial to protect myself. 

I should've stayed off of the internet as a kid, it really fucked everything up. I can't say I regret EVERYTHING though. I wish maybe I would've graduated but truly I would've had zero motivation for college, and honestly...? Lying hasn't been that hard. Most places don't fucking check if you graduated high school or not unless its federal lol.

This society is easy to manipulate if you know what you're doing. Not that I'm some master, I'm actually pretty fucking stupid in the bigger scheme of things, I just know whos more gullible than I am.

Oh yeah, lastly I'll be moving job sites. Well, kinda sad, liked the people but the location sucked. Don't know much about the new site, hope theres no driving. I know its silly, considering, but I'd rather sit in a box or some shit somewhere, I swear to god if they make me drive a car I will cry. As long as they don't dig for me to show a license lol. If they do I'll have to quit, I really can't be fucked.

I'll do my best to make it work. Anywho, my head is throbbing so I'm ending it here. 

1/6/26

I am beat, I dunno. Life has been bleak. The more I think about life the scarier my thoughts get, I can't even discuss it due the nature but eh, I can allude.

Long story short I've been very obsessed with S,H.

God, it really scares me how similar we are. It scares me that I've had a similar mindset growing up as he did. Why do I understand his pain and why do I wish he did move here? I think we could've been good friends, it makes me sad knowing in this reality we will never connect. Thats what makes us humans strange, we find connections with people we probably shouldn't. Dead or alive. I wish I understood humans better, I know I am one but I never feel like one. I feel so disconnected from everyone, I know they aren't a role model but why do I feel like we would get eachother? Maybe I wouldn't have liked his childlike demanor though, at least based on that one convo.

It 2026, my deadline is soon approaching. I don't know if I'll stick to it, but I do hate this life. I feel like a soul trapped in this cruel evil world. I feel like no matter how I choose to go, I will make someone remember it.

I have no friends anymore who I can trust, I feel as if my world has truly ended. Every connection I make fizzles out faster than I can comprehend. Sometimes I think I understand why he did it, but then I question if it was the right thing, could he have fought his fate? Am I giving in to fate as he did? I feel if I follow this path I will only fail anyhow. I made an account on a certain forum he was connected to. I fucked up and didn't make it through a VPN though. Whatever.

I don't know anymore. Going my way sounds more honorable but I've stopped caring about what people think about me, so will I really give a shit what people say after I die? I'll be dead. I believe in God to an extent. I know that does not secure me any place in heaven given the acts I am considering but I was taught god will forgive you as long as you truly place your faith in him. Maybe, even if I do take my plan to others, I'll be able to seek forgiveness as I know I will feel immense remorse and regret. I will not be able to face any legal issues for either plans to work. 

Lord, please give me the strength to overcome these thoughts I posses. If I do give in, I will seek your forgiveness as honestly as I can.

Anyways, its late. I'm going to beat my dick and sleep.

1/18/2026

Okay, well I wrote an entry earlier but I think I forgot to save it, awesome. Whatever, it wasn't interesting anyways I wasted time on that but whatev. I've made some choices. If I go alone, its on my birthday. If I don't... then its on her birthday. That is pretty poetic huh, either way, someone will remember.

I think about death often, be it my own or others. I haven't had violent thoughts towards others really too often. Before it was everyone but it has simply calmed down into certain people again and mostly suicidal thoughts. Better than the former.

Some gear gathering is required still. Need scopes, lasers, better mags, more mags. Even if I can't get standard capacity, I can make up for it in mags. More weight but what choice do I have? This plan isn't set in stone. Just a backup, but I am still gearing up. Hoping Washington lightens on weapon restrictions but the more I stay here the less likely it seems. Oh well, I'm not gonna be picky if the chance to move doesn't show itself.

East Coast might be ideal, laxer, can get more power. Not even just for plan B. Plan A will involve plan B but there is nothing making sure it will happen. I must be vague to avoid any issues.

Plan A is still a risk, if I fail, I will most likely lose the ability to enact plan B if my mind changes. No worries. I've widened my timeframe. I think an even chance for life must be given. If I cannot fix myself by 30 at minimum. Plan B may commence, but plan A isn't completely out either if I get that low. Either way, I win. If plan B is to happen, I won't be around to care anyways. That is the plan at least. I know even this is risky, talking about it in a coded manner. Even so, it isn't completely coded.

I will do my best to stay focused and not lose sight on both objectives. Both will remain a possiblity with neither truly set in stone. Plus, who knows maybe life could change but I am not hopeful. I either will die in vein, or leave a mark on the earth, but I still pray I will change my mind on both. Lastly, I should talk about my romantic life and thoughts breifly.

I'll save the more in depth talk for next entry maybe. Basically this british chick is flirting with me (I think) and I don't really know what to make of it or feel. I could be reading too far into it, but... err.. I dunno... some of the stuff is hard to brush off as being just kind. Oddly though, they post about "Wheres my husband." shortly after, so I dunno man. Mixed signals, but oddly I don't even care. I'm so tired of failing love, whats the point. All I can focus on to keep me from feeling like shit is the Mission.

Plan B will be more formulated over time. As of right now, I have no set plans, so I'll leave the planning for when I decide, but if I hit 30? I have to choose by then.

Until next time.

To Part III

1/27/26

A true gut punch, a S**** told me she got a boyfriend. Ow. Stings a bit, I opened up to another girl who liked me but had to obligation to commit. I'm still remaining friends, even if I cannot be with them I will remain friends as I felt a connection with them. My soul isn't bound to them, but a connection remains to their soul. It is truly a shame nothing came of us. She reminded me of when I was happy, at least I can thank her for giving me a short burst of happiness.

I've met a new friend from my hidden account. They scared me at first, and I was a bit aggressive but I apologized. They seem kind and I trust them to an extent as they share similar traumas and coping mechanisms. I wish to find someone who feels similar things about the world as me, but it isn't required.

I want to discuss my philosophy briefly.

Life is simple to me. I understand society has trapped us into doing as we're told, and conformity is the only way forward. I take a similar approach to my thinking as AL did, albeit my thinking is a bit less nuanced. Life is beautiful, but unfortunately nobody gets to choose if they're born. Life is beautiful, but selfish. I think life should be appreciated by those who do, and those who do not should be free to rid themselves of the beauty that they deny. Your value is defined by life, and life is plentiful. This is why I wish to die. I wish to remove the value bestowed onto me. Returning to 0. That is the ultimate goal I seek in life. I do not condone suicide, but I will never tell someone they're selfish. I'll never tell someone NOT to. I'll tell them, "I hope it doesn't come to that.". I agree with him. Culture is a disease, but culture cannot be cured as it is embedded deeply into our current society.

You may say, "well, these are simply just simplified versions of AL's ideology." and you may be right, but there is some truth to his words no matter how ill we may have been. He was a smart guy, just too fucked up to realize his interests were going to be his downfall.

I wonder how I'll go. Will I burn, or fade away? I don't know. I think about this often. Nobody realizes how far gone I am anymore. Good. I like going unnoticed. It's how I've always rolled, not kidding either, I could always eaves drop in on people and most of the time, people never assume. I'll always be a quiet voice in the background. I can predict it for both outcomes too, the reactions that is. "I should've seen the signs." "I'd never expect this from him." "I wish I could've helped." 

All useless rhetoric to hide the survivors guilt you feel from being associated with someone whos no longer here. I hate people who tell me "Sorry." when I'm talking about something that bothers me. It feels the same as those words that would describe what people will say after I'm gone. You only care now because something bad happened.

We only seem to notice people after they're dead.

It's okay, I forgive you all for not caring. You're only human, we're built to worry about ourselves. I'm not completely human like you, more soul than flesh. I don't expect anyone to understand it.

I have been so empty. Worse than after K*****, worse than A****. J***, you win. I feel the same pain you did back when I hurt you badly. I don't know if thats what you intended, but I'm sure past you would be happy. I think its karma. I truly did fucking treat you awfully, and I wasn't even fully aware of it. I can't say I was complicit as I never noticed how self destructive I had been to you, but at the same time, I knew I was hurting you a bit, but I always regretted it immediately, but I could never tell you. Emotions are my weakness, my downfall. I hate how fucking emotional I am. I think I am an empath, but this is all pure conjecture as I don't know if being an empath is even a real thing. I wish I couldn't feel anything always.

Sometimes I just want to die temporarily, like die for a few minutes? Just to see what its like.

One hope too after I die, is someone makes a video on me, so thats why, no matter how I go, its gonna be something to remember >:)